KinderWhore No More

My daughter informed me today that Blake, her friend on the school bus, has asked her to marry him when they are older. They are waiting until he has a good job, thank God for that!! I hope that I do not need to have a talk with her about the birds and the bees for a LONG time. I am glas to see that she is going to settle down and I am looking forward to grandchildren. Oh, the payback I have planned.

Christmas 2009

Another year has passed at an unbelieve pace. When I was a kid, I remember the grown ups saying how fast time was going and now I get it. It is going way too fast!

We have had an incredibly busy year this year. Jacob keeps us running from one doctor appointment to another. I must say though that I am impressed with the team that watches out for him. He has learned to sit finally and he has mastered winking which he seems to save for pretty ladies and his momma. We walked with him in his first Buddy Walk for Downs Syndrome in September and I must say as his mother it was very therapuetic. It is truly amazing what these kids can accomplish. He truly a blessing.

Emily continues to be a good source of entertainment. She started Kindergarten this year and is sure to tell us what every child did during the day that was "naughty". Of course, she leaves any part that she had played in the wrong-doing. She has a sassy little attitude that I must say she needs to live in this house and thankfully she keeps it to herself whe she is out in public. She says she knows better than to misbehave in front of others. So everyons thinks she is a sweet angel, which she is some of the time. Her and Jacon had pictures taken at Hoffbeck Photography in Hastings and the company put her picture in the window. This was the "best thing ever" since she intends on beoming "America's Next Top Model".

John spent the year farming and keeping the beer companies in business. He seems to be at his happiest when he is bobbing around on the tractor. I have learned not to interupt him as it has a similar affect as waking a sleep walker. He and Jacob have become good buddies and he is deeply saddened that Emily is in school. I know it is hard for him because he really only sees her on the weekends. He seems to be getting used to the idea that she is growing up but he is still dreading the day she moves away.

I am still not running about too much after ankle surgery. I never realized that it would take so long to heal. I did learn through the process that you should never plan a vacation over the interet while on pain killers, though. I may need to start a side business to pay for our trip to Disney World. I suppose some day when I am old, I mean older than today, I will hold on to the memory of our kids enjoyment as they experience the fun we have planned. I just hope John will recover from the cost. Since he feels sorry for me and my gimpy leg, he seems to have forgiven my spending indiscretion. He did say, however, that I could make it up to him later. Whatever that means.

Well, that is a glimpse in the life of the Heinbuchs. We hope that you have had a joyous year and that the upcoming year will bring you 365 days of happiness. There are that many days in a year, right? Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight!

Poor Dumb Thing

I was boiling the leftover turkey to make into soup for supper this evening when my husband came in for lunch. As always he finds something to bellow about. "How hard is to turn on the fan when you are using the stove?" he asks. I reply that it is about the same degree of difficulty as coming in and finding something to complain about. I mean really, when someone is nice enough to cook for you can't you put your smile on? Maybe just turn the fan on as you walk by perhaps. After the minor confrontation, he was able to force out a compliment about the sandwich he had just polished off so I assume he got the hint. I wonder how many times we will have this scenario before he walks in and politely sits down to lunch. I suppose it has only been 7 years, I may be asking too much.

How Red Is The Snow?

The first snow of the year creates great excitement at our home. It signifies the beginning of coyote season. Our county puts a bounty on coyotes each year in an effort to control the population and since they pay for each coyote you bring in, John is all over it.

Coyote season begins when John brings home a dead animal from his cousin's farm. The type of animal does not matter just so long as it stinks when the sun beats on it. Then after dark, John sits in the chair with the window open waiting for the poor unsuspecting mutt to come out to feast on the frozen flesh. After the the coyote enjoys a couple of bites, BANG he is dead. Now the whole family is awake, most of the time with the kids crying. John goes to bed completely satisfied while I deal with the aftermath. Not unlike another activity he enjoys.

Some winters he will get multiple coyotes and if the temperature stays below freezing, he will wait to take them in for his reward. I was horrified one afternoon when I arrived home from work and discovered that John had posed 6 of the dead animals to appear as if they were in their natural habitat. I do not have a great appreciation for dead things no matter how much money can be made. John, however, loves making money any way he can which may explain the miracle whip jar in the freezer with gopher paws in it. He gets $2.5o per pair and is saving them up to buy a new gun.

Friends please note, I do not store anything edible in that freezer so it is still safe to eat what I cook.

My Daughter, the KinderWhore

You know the girl that is always more interested in boys than any thing else in the class? Yeah, it's my kid. She appears to be caught in a love triangle with Wil and Blake. Luke is in line just in case either Wil or Blake don't work out. She informs me that Dominic is "quite handsome" but he bites and that makes him a little less attractive. Then there is Charlie who is "jealous of her relationship with Wil". Of course, she likes Charlie but he is too naughty to be with anyway.

I expected to have these boy troubles around 11 or 12 but I was not prepared for this to happen at the age of 5. I realize that it is too soon to see the doctor about birth control but my God she is already talking children. Lord help me....

The Cat Is Fine

So the friend that always thinks the cat's are starving now believes that there is something wrong with them. Did I happen to mention she also a hypochondriac? Since the cat was scratching itself over and over again it must have distemper. And here I was thinking it just has fleas like most outdoor animals. I think for Christmas I will buy her a manual on cat disease so that she can rest at night. I suppose now that she has been exposed she has distemper as well. Maybe we should have her (the friend) put to sleep.

Followed By Terrorists

I am convinced that Al-Qaeda is hot on my trail. My proof? Every time my gas tank is close to empty the gas price jumps. Just this morning the price was 10 cents higher than the posted price yesterday. I am sure this 10 cents goes toward funding classes such as Bomb 101.

Credit When Due

My husband wants to know why he is the butt of my jokes and I tell him that I like to think of him as my inspiration but even I must give him props from time to time. He works very hard this time of year to keep the wood stove fed to keep the house warm and today he did a good job clearing the snow. I do appreciate him that way.

My Pedestal

I have this friend,I won't mention her name but she has flaming red, tight curly hair. I have known her since I was 15 and every, oh I don't know, 6 months or so she would get pissed at me and stop talking to me. That is until a fews years ago when I became some kind of superstar in her life. For some reason she thinks that everything I do is golden. "Oh, my God, you are the funniest person ever". I really am not, there are several people funnier than me...Ellen DeGeneres for example. "You are so awesome, you sewed a bag in a day in a half." Hey, Jenny, a tote bag is a matter of sewing four straight sides together and my 10 year old niece could do it in her sleep and never mind the assistance I had from the seam ripper. Oops, I just gave her name away.Yeah, Jenny, I am blogging to you. I don't know what kind of drug you been on since you turned 30 something but I am still that same person you chose to ignore until the bug up your ass died. I guess it's okay with me if my humble existence makes you enviuos but truly I am not that great.

Babies Beware-Battery Operated Booger Sucker On The Loose

I took the advice of a nurse at the Childrens Hospital and purchased a battery operated nasal aspirator for my son Jacob. Problem is big sister now thinks there is something in his nose at all times of the day. It wouldn't worry me so much except I am afraid that she may suck his brains out. Being that he is his fathers son we don't have much to work with. Now I am not saying that my husband is dumb because he is not. But it does seem that he is missing the lobe that controls social skills. So, the situation being as it is, I would highly recommend stock in a battery company, someone who specalizes in AA.

Learning to Walk

After having surgery on my left ankle just over 2 months ago, I am now learning to walk all over again. It is not all that difficult but the pain can be excrutiating. Just when I feel like throwing in the towel, I see a permanently handicapped person and I quit feeling sorry for myself. I tell you after this experoence I have an even greater respect for anyone who is confined to a wheel chair or any other affliction that keeps them from walking with out assistance. Of course, my other motivator is the fact that I need to stand on my left foot so that I can kick my husband in the butt with the right foot ( I am right footed).

God's Gift I Call Jacob

My sweet Jacob is resting comfortably after two long nights of recovery. This is the 5th time in the last year that he has been diagnosed with pneumonia; Jacob is a year old with Downs syndrome. I never asked God why he has given me this child nor will I ever but I will always be thankful that He chose me for this challenge. All the excitement and joy you feel when a "normal" child reaches a milestone is even more precious with a child that has special needs. They really need to work at things that come naturally for others. It is amazing the effort that is put forth just to sit. I tell ya', when Jacob rolled over for the first time I literally screamed I was so ecsatic. But the best part of Jacob is the quiet teacher that lies within him. I have seen great lessons of patience and acceptance. I have witnessed the softening of a strong man's demeanor toward his son and an ability to make others love him in a matter of minutes. And a lesson that I have realized through all of it is that great things happen when you step out of your comfort zone.

We had to take Jacob to the hospital last night for complications due to pneumonia. Luckily, he was able to come home with us early this morning. It must be the hospital atmosphere that makes me reminisce about the birth of my children. The excitement you feel as you prepare to be a parent for the first time and then the sceond. The aniticipation of finally seeing who they will look like and just how truly maginificent they are. Then I look in the corner and see the husband snoozing in the emergency room recliner and my memories begin change. There are things you just do not do when your wife is in labor, for example:

When labor is induced and your wife is not allowed to eat for 8 hours before the I.V. drip begins, do not go to the cafeteria and eat a bacon double cheeseburger, order of onion rings, and two slices of pizza then come back to report your gluttoneous while sipping a 42 ounce soda. SHe is starving and will not be impressed.

Do not complain to the nurses that she is being too "bitchy" to you. After all, you are the one who put her in this position so SUCK IT UP!

As she is transitioning into hard labor, shut off the history channel. She does not give a rats ass about the making of the revolver. The only interest that she has in a revlover right now is the want to pull one out of her purse and shoot your face off.

When the doctor is stitching the tear that occured from forcing the grapfruit sized head out of her golf ball sized hole, do not speak the words, "That was too hard on me".

And lastly, when she is finally able to get out of bed and she has a gush of blood that soaks her socks, do not dig them out of the garbage to take home for her to wash. The least you can do is buy her a new pair to match the strecth marks your 3 minutes of fun has left behind...

My Friend Ruth

Ruth learned just a couple of months ago that her father was dying from cancer. Today he past on. I did not know this man other having met him once at her wedding and that meeting was brief. But let me tell you what I do know about him. He was kind, generous, and loving. Never judgemental or selfish and sure to offer words of consoloation even when he himself was uncomfortable. I know this not because I witnessed it first hand but by the reflection of him in his daughter. I am proud of Ruth for being so brave and compasssionate when her father needed it most and I will pray for God to give her strength and courage now that she nneds it the most.

Ruthie and Family you are truly loved...

Old Friends

Went to lunch yesterday with a couple of childhood pals. It is always fun to catch up and amazing how it feels like you were never a part. It is so comforting to be with friends that you can just pick up where you left off no matter how much time has lapsed.

The Tighty (not so) Whitey Ranger

This is truly an amazing man. In a flash he will check the oil on the car, no rag needed for he has the band of his Fruit of the Looms handy. In minutes he can weed the garden and when harvesting the waistband doubles as a basket. Yes, that is a carrot in his pants he is not just happy to see you. He mows the lawn wearing nothing but his supportive briefs. When naked it appears that he is still donning his favorite pair. As a matter of fact, if the moon is shining through the window it bounces off his ass like a homing beacon blinding all that cross its path. He is good at many things but his greatest quality is his ability to get you in the sack, "Wanna do it, honey, I gotta change my underwear anyhow".

Starving Cat

Why is it that all pet owning people possess friends that always seem to think that the animal is starving? Just this afternoon my friend, Jenny, was scouring the refrigerator for a forgotten left over to feed the cat that she swears has not eaten in a week. This cat, named Ollie by my daughter, just so happens to be the cat that she brought my daughter after her kitten had been hit by a car. I am not sure what Jenny was thinking since we live on a farm and the cats seem to reproduce exponetially. Anyhow starving Ollie is a fat cat who's gut scrapes the gravel as it walks along the driveway to meet Jenny and her latest offering. I wonder if there is gastric bypass available for cats. I suppose I shouldn't worry, spring always brings a fresh case of worms. Wait til the pooh begins to wriggle and the stomach reverts to its old position. In the meantime I catch Ollie chewing on a frozen hot dog that had been stolen from the chest freezer. Of course, living in Minnesota, this time of year that not so hot dog will remain hard until about noon tomorrow. And I suppose we run into the possibility of tooth breakage due to rock hard weiners. I wonder what the vet will think...